Congrats!

Our friends Christopher and Shuree Jones of Portland Oregon are having a baby girl!

Congratulations Chris and Shuree of Portland Oregon!

When I found out that they were having a baby, I quickly emailed them to offer my expert services in naming their child.

Overwhelmed by my generous offer, they could not respond....and so my mission to name the child began.

Prologue

Naming a child isn't easy. A name is something you carry with you from the moment you're born to the day you die. It can define you and its meaning can alter the way people see, think about, and interact with you.

It is for these reasons and many more that I took this assignment and took it very seriously. It is what drove me to work long into the night and to obsess over my role as the namer.

I greatly enjoyed this task and writing this book and I hope you do to.

The Methodology

What's in a name? This is the question I first asked myself when I began this project....and little did I know that this simple question would take me on such a journey.

A good name will carry you through life. It will accompany you through thick and thin....but what is a "good name"? Is a good name one that has deep meaning? Or is it light and soft....one that generates warm feelings? Will it make you popular? Help you get a good job or find a soulmate?

My approach will allow me to come up with a name that will do all of these things. In order for this to work the name has to be cool at precisely the right time- high school. Cause if you're cool in high school everything else will fall in place.

To aid in the process I developed what I call the "20 year" method, herby referred to as 2YM. 2YM is quite simple, every 20 years things come back into coolness. Think flare jeans in the 90's, 30's in the 50's, or 8-bit in 2000. It always comes around- and by my observation it comes around every 20.

Once I realized 2YM, it was math from there on out:

Baby born 2013. 2013-20= 1993. So 1993 is the year the name must come from right? Wrong. 2YM must be calculated from the year(s) in which the name is most critical- which in our case is high school. And don't forget the flux capacitor. Therefor, our critical years will be 14 to 18 years on a different time line back to the future!

Wait a minute doc, are you saying what I think you're saying? Are you saying that the name must come from 2007-2011? Precisely! The baby is born in 2013, which means she'll be in high school from 2027-2031. Subtract 2YM and you've got 10.21 gigawatts!

Before Coolness

You can't name a child just so they get a prom date can you? No. There is much more to consider before prom. Baby faces, grade school, junior high, the first boyfriend, first break up, soccer practice, training wheels to name a few.

A name can't make you good at soccer, or get you good grades- but it can make things a little easier....and most important of all, it MUST get you through grade school.

As we all know, grade school kids can be the meanest of mean. Your name could be Orange and a 7 year old can find a derogatory word that rhymes with it and turn it into a song. They'll stop at nothing to use your name against you in a Children Of The Corn effort to brow beat you into trading crayons.

The name I come up with will survive these challenges and flower at just the right time.

Final Verdict

Enough is enough. I know you're all dying to know what name I've decided on. Well, again....it's not that simple.

I can't seriously expect to name someone's child without their input can I? Of course I can...but I'm not going to (this time). Instead, I'm going to offer a few names and let Chris and Shuree pick one from my list (prices vary).

With my most sincere gratitude for being a part of this process I give you my list:

1. Quendra Jones (2011)

This is Kendra but spelled with a Qu. Season 3, episode 6 of Community. It screams "mom, dad don't wait up, I'll be home an hour before curfew" but can also get a C in history class just to rebel against the bias mantra of public school curriculum.

2. Iesha Jones (2007)

Ish for short, this name has been a smash hit for decades with roots in southern Oregon. A real 2007 classic but with 1993 flare.

3. Barbara Jones II (2008)

Can also be called Barbwire Jones if she ends up being a real badass. J-R is another alternative and BAJO2 could serve as a nifty online name as well.

4. Kate Jones (2009)

Simple, eloquent, but also Lost on a magic island, won't take no for an answer, can shoot to kill, jump off a cliff, take on the "others" kind of mentality. Kind of.

5. Nora Jones (2010 but really 2002)

Come away with me. I've been waiting by the something something. Don't know why I didn't something something. Don't know why something....heart is dragging something. You'll be on my mind.

The End

Sent from my iPhone

PS- this wasn't my real list. I thought it would be rude to splatter their business all over the Internet, so I'm emailing my real list.....except for Ish and Kendra with a Qu, those names are rad!

Congratulations again Chris and Shuree!